Donations If you have any old working mobile phones,with chargers, please donate them to BWA . Also any unused sim cards are useful to us. Please call: 01268 581591 if you would like to donate.

Training Days During 2008 a series of Training Days have been scheduled to provide individuals and organisations with comprehensive information from local, national and international specialists. Intended for professionals and service providers from both the statutory and voluntary sectors, the Training Days are designed to raise awareness of the dynamics and impact of domestic violence on the whole community, and the services available to victims (and perpetrators) and how ‘you’ can make a positive difference. Click Here for more info

Telephone: 01268 581591
Facsimilie: 01268 581791
e-mail: enquiries@basildonwa.org

All calls are strictly confidential
Office hours 9am-5pm, 24 Hour emergency telephone service

Postal Address:
P.O. Box 51
Basildon
Essex SS14 OND

Quick E-mail Enquiry Form

If you are worried about someone knowing you have visited this website, please take a few minutes to read the information below and to take steps to increase your safety when using the internet. How an abuser can discover your internet activities Email: If an abuser has access to your email account, they may be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail. If you believe your account is secure, make sure you choose a password that an abuser will not be able to guess. If an abuser sends you threatening or harassing email messages, they may be copied or saved and printed as evidence of this abuse. History or cache files: If an abuser knows how to read your computer's history or cache file (automatically saved web paged and graphics), they may be able to see information you have viewed recently on the internet. You can clear your history or empty your cashe file in your browser's settings as follows: Internet Explorer: Pull down Tools menu Select Delete Browsing History Select Delete Files Select Delete History Select Delete Forms Firefox: Pull down Tools menu Select Clear Private Data Tick Browsing History, Saved Form and Search History and Cache Select Clear Private Data Now AOL: Pull down Members menu select Preferences Select WWW icon Then select Advanced, Purge Cache Toolbars: Toolbars such as Google, AOL and Yahoo keep a record of the words you have typed into the search box. To erase all the search words you have typed in, you will need to check the individual instructions for each type of toolbar. For example, for the Google toolbar all you need to do is click on the Google icon, and choose "Clear Search History".

When you first come into the refuge a member of staff will help you apply for either job seekers allowance, income support and housing benefit plus other benefits you may be entitled to.

If you are employed you may still be able to qualify for housing benefit, and working families tax credit. We can advise you on your entitlement and any other welfare issues that may arise.

The Council works closely with Basildon Women's Aid to ensure that the needs of the women are met. A designated Homeless Officer is the liaison officer between the Council and the refuge.

The designated Homeless Officer ensures that queries raised by the women about their rehousing, are answered. She also attends the refuge on a regular basis so women do not have to leave the safety of the refuge to make a homeless application in order to obtain rehousing.

Our Homeless Officer completes a 'homeless' application for a resident

One of the services offered to all those who make contact with Basildon Women's Aid is access to confidential Legal Advice. For many women entering the Refuge, Legal matters may be the last thing on their mind, but it gives them comfort to know that when they are ready to deal with legal matters, there is an experienced family law solicitor to advise them. Even if you are not a resident at the Refuge, you can meet with one of our solicitors to discuss matters in a relaxed confidential environment.

The aim of our service is fivefold:

1. To provide local facilities, where women suffering domestic violence are able to come for one to one and group support, and have the legal, housing and practical advice which will enable them to make choices
   
2. To raise awareness of domestic violence issues in the Community
   
3. To raise awareness of domestic violence issues in Schools
   
4. To work both collectively and offer a complementary service to other local agency teams in order to provide a better range and quality of services to residents in the Basildon area
   
5. To provide resettlement support to women moving on from the refuge

The Sanctuary Scheme Project

The Sanctuary Scheme Project is a victim centred initiative, which aims to make it possible for victims of domestic violence to remain in their home and feel safe. The scheme enhances a person's property with physical security measures, which helps the family feel safe.

It is recognised that victims of domestic violence live in fear of repeat incidents. This frequently results in them having to move homes on numerous occasions, with the associated problems of moving away from support networks, family and friends. Many victims of domestic violence would prefer to stay in their own homes if they had the option.

What is the "Sanctuary Scheme"

The main feature of the project is the creation of a "Sanctuary room". Every "sanctuary" is tailored to accommodate the needs and circumstances of the individuals involved.

The Sanctuary room consists of having an internal door replaced with a solid core door and reversing it to open outwards so that the doorjamb acts as an additional barrier. Two locks are fitted to the top and bottom of the door as well as steel hinges, hinge bolts and a 180° door viewer. Fire precaution equipment is also provided. This provides a safe room or "Sanctuary" for victims to call for and await the arrival of police. Additional security can be provided as necessary, for example, locks on windows and doors.

Who is eligible for the Sanctuary Scheme

Under S177 of the Housing Act 1996, as amended by the Homelessness Act 2002, a Local Authority has the responsibility to assess whether it is reasonable for a person to continue to occupy accommodation.

The Act states that it is not reasonable for a person to continue to occupy accommodation if it is probable that this will lead to domestic violence or other violence against them, or against:-

1. A person who normally resides with them as a member of their family
2. Any person who might reasonably be expected to reside with them.

Referrals for the Sanctuary Scheme

Referrals to the Sanctuary Scheme can be made from members of the Domestic Violence Forum via the Local Authority. Once a referral has been received the Local Authority's Homeless officer or Housing Advice Officer will interview you and discuss if the Sanctuary Scheme is an option for you. If the scheme is an option a referral will be made to Women's Aid at Basildon for outreach support for you during the process.

What do I need to bring with me?

Personal belongings i.e.: clothes, valuables, child benefit book, income support book, birth certificate, driving licence, passport plus any other forms of ID.

Will I be safe?

We have CCTV (closed circuit TV monitors) all around the refuge and admittance is by security intercom only.

Will I have my own room?

Where possible, every family is allocated their own room. There are single rooms available for women without children.

What facilities are there for my children?

We have child workers, a well equipped playroom with adjoining softroom available.
Please see: About the Refuge for more information.

Can I bring my pets?

Unfortunately we cannot accommodate pets. Local organisations may be able to help. pawsforkids.org.uk
The Link between Animal Abuse and Domestic Violence

Is their storage space?

Storage space is limited. There is only room for your personal belongings.

How long can I stay?

There is no fixed length of stay. Although the refuge is temporary accommodation it can be your home for as long as you need while you decide what to do.

Will I get help with applying for Income Support and Housing Issues?

We have a refuge worker specialising in Housing & Benefits advice.

Would I be able to see a Solicitor and a Counsellor at the refuge?

Yes, a solicitor and counsellor visit the refuge regularly.

Is there a smoking area, also is alcohol allowed?

Smoking is allowed in a designated area. Alcohol is not allowed on the premises.

Can I go out if I want?

Yes

How much will all this cost?

A nominal amount is required for heating and lighting costs, and a refundable deposit will be payable. Rents are normally paid by housing benefit.

Can my mum, sisters and friends contact me at the refuge?

Messages can be passed on from family and close friends, and visits arranged.

Will my children be able to continue at their own schools, or will they have to change?

There are infant, junior and secondary schools close by if your children need to change schools. Your children can continue at their own schools if you consider it safe for them to do so and are able to provide transport.

WE OFFER A STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL SERVICE

Office Hours 9am-5pm
24 HOUR TELEPHONE EMERGENCY SERVICE
Check out the Contact Us page for details

The opening of the 2nd stage annexe is a wonderful extension to the refuge; it offers temporary accommodation, which consists of kitchen, bathroom, 2 bedrooms and a lounge. There are laundry facilities on the ground floor with an automatic washing machine and a tumble dryer.

In all the apartments, there are built in fire alarms, and smoke alarms, these are checked at regular intervals.

The garden is a good size, it has an industrial washing line, and a handy shed to store bikes and pushchairs. Our garden is maintained at regular intervals.

There is plenty of parking outside the annexe with allocated parking space.

Staff visit the annexe daily to deliver post and report any repairs. The facilities of the main refuge are available if required.

We provide the following services to children living at the refuge

Family mediation sessions

Family mediation sessions involve both mum and child meeting with support workers to listen to each other's views and discuss problems which may have arisen. Both parties have the opportunity to express their inner thoughts with staff members present to support. We also offer the children one-to-one sessions allowing the child to speak to a member of staff about their problems.

Self Esteem Sessions

We provide Self Esteem Sessions at a local school to help children settle in and manage any worries or problems.

Children’s Group

A weekly children’s group, funded by Children's Fund Essex, has successfully been running for three years enabling the children to express thoughts and concerns with the support of an independent social worker. The children can talk openly and safely about the domestic violence they have witnessed helping them to deal with the abuse experienced.

Mothers and Toddlers

Mother and toddler sessions encourage interaction between the mother and child, the women can also seek practical parenting advice. Lots of the women will ask for support in for example how to discipline their children, we talk about tactics such as time out etc.

Pre-School

This is for children aged 2 - 5 years. We are Ofsted registered.

After School Club

The after school club provides anti bullying awareness training for the teenagers.

Teen Group

We provide activities for the teenagers that develop their social skills, we have previously had workshops on CV writing, bullying etc.

Health Visitor/Nurse

We have a Health Visitor that visits the refuge fortnightly, to support the women with any health issues for the children. We also have a school nurse that is available to see children on an individual basis or with the mother to speak about issues such as puberty, she can also take height, weight, blood pressure measurements etc.

Art Therapy

A qualified therapist runs a group with about six children aged between 5 - 11, these sessions give the children the opportunity to express themselves through a creative outlet.

Arts and Crafts

A student from the local college visits weekly and does arts and crafts activities with the mums and children.

Activities

We provide fun activities but we also provide activities to support them in dealing with the trauma of their experiences, workers are available to speak with children on a one to one basis and in group settings, at the child's level and when they are ready.
We organise outings and trips for the women and children. Easter, summer, Christmas holidays etc.
We have a garden play area that has a soft surface. It is split into 2 sections for younger and older children.
We leave welcome gifts in the rooms for the children residents.

Women’s Aid defines domestic violence as a pattern of abusive and controlling behaviour in close or intimate relationships. It includes physical, emotional, sexual and mental abuse.

The abuse is used most frequently by men to maintain power over ‘their’ women within family relationship. But children, and other family members, can also be hurt.

Violence can also occur in lesbian and gay relationships, as well as from women to men.

It can include a range of behaviour:

• Physical violence – slapping, burning, beating, kicking, biting, knife wounds often leading to permanent injuries, and sometimes death.
• Sexual abuse – rape, forced sexual acts, sexual degradation.
• Emotional abuse - intimidation, bullying, constant criticism, keeping someone locked up, and isolated from friends and family.
• Threats – to harm her family, to take her children away, to kill her.

There are many popular myths and prejudices about domestic violence. These stereotypes are often at the root of the negative responses abused women receive when they seek help. Not only does this lead to wrong advice being given, but it causes much unnecessary suffering.

These stereotypes are not backed up by any research and can prevent the needs and circumstances of the woman seeking help from being properly understood.

Below are some of the more common prejudices women who have suffered violence encounter some of them contradictory, most of them is some way blaming the victim of domestic violence, or minimising the experience.

The following is a list of personality traits that may indicate a potential abuser. It is not the purpose of the listing to imply that every person with some of these characteristics is an abuser or potential abuser.

Jealousy

At the start of the relationship, an abuser will equate jealousy with love. He will question the victim about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or become jealous of time spent with others.

Controlling Behaviour

In the beginning, an abuser will attribute his controlling behaviour to concern for his partner (for example, his partner's safety or decision-making skills). As this behaviour progresses the situation will worsen. He may assume all control of finances or prevent his partner from coming and going as she wishes.

Quick Involvement

An abused woman often has known or dated her abuser for less than 6 months before getting married, or engaged, or living together. He will pressure his partner to commit to the relationship. Later, a victim may feel guilty for wanting to slow the pace or end the relationship.

Unrealistic Expectations

An abuser will attempt to isolate his victim by severing her ties to outside support and resources. The abuser will accuse others, such as the victim's friends and family of being "trouble makers". He may block his partner's access to use of a vehicle, work, or telephone service in the home.

Blames others for problems

An abuser will blame others for his shortcomings. Someone is always out to get him or is an obstacle to his achievements. The victim or potential victim will be blamed for almost anything that goes wrong.

Blames others for feelings

An abuser will use 'feelings' to manipulate his victim. Common phrases to look for: You're hurting me by not doing as I want". "You control how I feel".

Hypersensitivity

An abused person is easily insulted. He perceives the slightest setbacks as personal attacks.

Cruelty to animals or Children

This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. He may expect children to perform beyond their capability (for example smacking a 2-year old for wetting a nappy, or teasing children until they cry).

"Playful" use of force in sex

This behaviour includes restraining partners against their will during sex; acting out fantasies in which the partner is helpless; initiating sex when the partner is asleep; or demanding sex when the partner is ill or tired. He may show little concern for his partner's wishes and will use sulking and anger to manipulate compliance.

Verbal abuse

This behaviour involves saying things that are intended to be cruel and hurtful, cursing or degrading the partner, or putting down his partner's accomplishments.

Rigid sex roles

The victim, almost always a woman, will be expected to serve. For instance, a male abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

Dual personality

"Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde" - Explosive behaviour and moodiness, which can shift quickly to congeniality are typical of people who beat their partners.

Past abuse

An abuser will victimise any partner he is with if the individual is involved with him long enough for the cycle of abuse to begin; circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.

Threats of violence

This consists of any threat of physical force meant to control the partner. Most people do not threaten their mates but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by claiming "everyone talks like that".

Breaking or striking objects

This behaviour is used as punishment (breaking sentimental possessions) or to terrorise the victim into submission.

Any force during an Argument

This may involve an abuser holding down his partner, physically restraining his partner, or pushing and shoving. Holding someone back in order to make demands, such as shouting "You will listen", is also a show of force.

Lorraine Radford, (Roehampton Institute), Marianne Hester and Chris Pearson, (School for Policy Studies, University of Bristol) - May 1998

Almost half (44%) of all incidents reported by women to the British Crime Survey were domestic violence incidents. (British Crime Survey 1996, Home Office).

Since 1981, the largest increase in violent crimes has been in incidents of domestic violence (British Crime Survey 1996, Home Office).

A number of local surveys in the UK show between 1 in 3 and 1 in 4 women report having suffered domestic violence at some time in their adult lives.

A household survey of 430 women in a London borough found that 1 in 3 women had experienced domestic violence at some time in their lives, 12% had been victims of domestic violence in the past year (Jayne Mooney (1993) The Hidden Figure: Domestic Violence in North London, Middlesex University Centre for Criminology).

A survey of 484 women in Surrey's shopping centres found that 1 in 4 defined themselves as having suffered domestic violence from a male partner or ex-partner since the age of 18 years (Nicola Dominy & Lorraine Radford (1996) Domestic Violence in Surrey: Towards an Effective Inter-Agency Response, Surrey Social Services / Roehampton Institute).

A survey of 281 women attending GP surgeries in West London found that 1 in 3 (33%) reported suffering abuse from a male partner (Alison McGibbon, Libby Cooper & Liz Kelly (1988) What Support?, Child and Woman Abuse Study Unit, University of North London).

A recent survey of 129 women attending GPs surgeries in North London found 1 in 9 reported experiences of domestic violence serious enough to require medical attention in the past 12 months (Elizabeth Stanko, Debbie Crisp, Chris Hale and Hebe Lucraft (1997) Counting The Costs: Estimating The Impact of Domestic Violence in the London Borough of Hackney, Swindon: Crime Concern).

Similar findings are reported from research overseas. For example the largest recent survey of violence against women involved a telephone survey of over 11,000 women in Canada. One in three reported violence from their partners (Statistics Canada (1996) Survey on Violence Against Women in Canada).

A survey of 1000 women in city centres in North England found that 1 in 8 women reported having been raped by their husbands or partners (Painter, K. (1991) Wife Rape and The Law Survey Report: Key Findings And Recommendations, Department of Social Policy & Social Work, University of Manchester).

As many as 1 in 3 marriages that end in divorce involve domestic violence (Borkowski, Murch & Walker (1983) Marital Violence, Tavistock).

Each year, 45% of female homicide victims are killed by present or former male partners compared to 8% of male victims. On average, 2 women per week are killed in England and Wales by their partners/ex-partners (Criminal Statistics (1992) Home Office).

Repeat victimisation is common. Half of all victims of domestic violence are involved in incidents more than once (British Crime Survey 1996 Home Office).

Weapons are less likely to be used in assaults but victims of domestic violence are more likely to be injured (British Crime Survey 1996 Home Office).

1 in 4 incidents result in substantial physical injuries. 10% of 129 women surveyed in North London GP surgeries reported being knocked unconscious by their partners. 5% had sustained broken bones as a result of domestic violence. (Elizabeth Stanko, Debbie Crisp, Chris Hale and Hebe Lucraft (1997) Counting The Costs: Estimating The Impact of Domestic Violence in the London Borough of Hackney, Swindon: Crime Concern).

Women who are physically abused report physical injuries on average four occasions during a twelve month period (Jayne Mooney (1993) The Hidden Figure: Domestic Violence in North London, Middx University Centre for Criminology).

60% of 127 women resident in refuges in Northern Ireland experienced violence during pregnancy. 13% lost their babies as a result (Monica McWilliams & Joan McKiernan (1993) Bringing it out into the open, Belfast HMSO).

Domestic violence often continues and may escalate in severity after separation. As many as one-third of women who leave refuges experience continued abuse and harassment from their ex-partners (Binney, Harkell & Nixon, (1988) Leaving Violent Men, Bristol: WAFE).

Women are at greatest risk of homicide at the point of separation or after leaving a violent partner (Daly & Wilson (1988) Homicide, Aldane Gruyter).

Domestic violence is the least likely violent crime to be reported to the police. Only one out of three crimes resulting in injury are reported (British Crime Survey, 1996).

Women who suffer domestic violence are likely to under report incidents of abuse. In a study of 484 women's experiences of violence in Surrey, 2 out of 3 women who defined themselves as victims of domestic violence said they had not told family, friends or agencies about the abuse. (Dominy & Radford (1996) Domestic Violence in Surrey, Surrey Social Services/ Roehampton Institute).

Domestic violence has a major impact upon the health and welfare of women and children world-wide. The 1995 World Development Report by the United Nations shows, that on a world scale, it is a significant cause of disability and death (Social Services Inspectorate (1996) Domestic Violence and Social Care).

5% of health years of life are lost world-wide by women because of domestic violence (Social Services Inspectorate, 1996).

Psychologists in the USA have found parallels between the effects of domestic violence on women and the impact of torture and imprisonment on hostages (Graham, P. Rawlings E. & Rimini, W. (1988) 'Survivors of Terror: Battered Women, Hostages and the Stockholm Syndrome' in K. Yllo & M. Bograd (eds) Feminist Perspectives On Wife Abuse, London, Sage).

Research has shown that these effects include low self esteem, dependence upon the perpetrator, feelings of hopelessness about ending the violence, a tendency to minimise or deny the violence (Kirkwood, C. (1993) Leaving Abusive Partners, London: Sage).

Victims of marital rape suffer many of the same reactions as other victims of rape, including very severe depression and suicidal tendencies. Feelings of shame and degradation prevent women from talking about this form of abuse (Council on Scientific Affairs, American Medical Association (1992) Physicians and Domestic Violence: Ethical Considerations' in Journal of American Medical Assoc., 267: 3190-3).

Domestic violence is a factor in 1 in 4 suicide attempts by women (Stark, E. Flitcraft, A. & Frazier, W. (1979) Medicine And Patriarchal Violence: The Social Construction of A 'Private' Event, International Journal of Health Services, 9 (3) pp. 461-93).

• Find out useful phone numbers, i.e. local Police Station, hospital, Women's Aid etc.
  
• Keep a change of clothes to hand or at a friend's or family address.
  
• Have a spare key in a safe place.
  
• Gather up important documents, i.e. child benefit book, passport, birth certificates and place them with a trusted person for safekeeping.
  
• Keep an emergency cash fund.
  
• Figure out an escape route from the house in order not to get trapped by the aggressor.
  
• Have somewhere to go in an emergency.
  
• Avoid confrontational situations and confined spaces.
  
• Talk to your children. Make sure they do not answer the door.
  
• Alert the local police station to any potential threat.
  
• Have a back-up plan in case things go wrong.
  
• Always be ahead of the situation; think before you go out.
  
• Don't be afraid to ask for help.
  
• Stay away from known areas where the perpetrator may frequent.

Asking for help is never easy

Leaving a violent situation is never easy

Myths about children in families experiencing domestic violence

Myth: My partner is only violent to me – he never harms my children.

Fact: 1 in 3 abused children show a history of violence to their mother. Over a third of Childline callers said their mother’s partner had also abused them or their brothers and sisters. Witnessing or hearing violence has been shown to have a range of long term effects on children including guilt, shame, under achievement at school, terror, sadness, aggressive behaviour, low self esteem, bed wetting, eating disorders, depression and insecurity. A third of children present try and intervene to protect mothers thus putting themselves at risk of physical harm.

Myth: My children do not know about the violence.

Fact: Even very young children remember their fear of witnessing violence in later years. Babies may show poor health, be irritable, cry a lot and have sleep problems which get better once removed from the violent situation. Many children recall overhearing abuse and have said that not knowing if their mother was alive was more distressing than directly witnessing the violence. They sometimes felt guilty for not intervening to stop the violence.

Myth: If social services find out about the violence in my home, they will take my children away.

Fact: Whilst it is true that social services will want to make sure your children are safe, only a very small number of children are made subject of care orders and removed. Social workers will not take your children away, if they can work with you to make sure they are safe.

Myth: It is wrong to take children away from their father.

Fact: Fathers play an important role in children’s lives, but children also need to be safe. Research studies found that in 40-60% of cases where women were abused, children were also abused by the same man. 76% of children ordered by the courts to have contact with a violent parent continue to be abused.

Myth: If I leave, my children and I will be homeless.

Fact: There are hundreds of refuge services throughout Britain, which can provide temporary accommodation for you and your children. They can also assist you in finding alternative permanent or emergency housing or help you to remain on or reclaim your own home.

Effects on children

Domestic violence can start at any point in a relationship. Pregnancy or childbirth is often the trigger for the first abuse, also putting the child at risk. Babies show their distress through their health and development. Babies under one who live with domestic violence have been shown to be characterised with poor health, poor sleeping habits and excessive crying. Violence can begin or increase when meeting the needs of small children. They can be injured by being caught up in the violence.

Actual or threatened violence to your children can be another way of controlling you. Some men, by abusing their power over the children, deliberately involve them in the abuse of their mother, causing confusion and distress to the children involved.

Psychological damage and distress. The emotional abuse caused by witnessing violence can be serious enough for a child to be considered abused and placed on a child protection register or protected legally.

Children themselves tend to talk in terms of their fears, anger, sadness and loss. “I was sad. I had to leave all them wonderful teachers and then go to another country (Cumbria) …well, not another country, but a place that’s far away and I thought that’s hard for me.” (8 year old girl).

Children may feel powerless or guilty at being unable to prevent the abuse, boys in particular. Anger at witnessing abuse or being abused can make children aggressive. Some boys may copy their father’s behaviour by becoming violent or fear that they will become like him. Girls are more likely to internalise feelings and harm themselves. Feeling responsible for abuse to the mother is common, especially if it follows some behaviour of the child. This can lead to overly quiet and ‘good’ behaviour so as not to annoy the abusers.

Children can suffer symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder, which is a response to a traumatic event involving fear, helplessness or horror, and may have long lasting consequences. This can involve flashbacks or the child may be in a continuous state of anxiety, waiting for the possibility of further abuse to themselves or their mother. It leads to significant distress and impairment in all aspects of their life; school, play, health and the ability to form relationships.

There can be an impact on school attendance and achievement due to worry, lack of sleep and lack of concentration. Children may feel a need to stay at home in an attempt to prevent the violence/protect their mother.

Violence interferes with children’s social relationships. They feel unable to invite friends to their home for fear or shame of what friends may witness.

What can be done to help?

Mothers and children often use denial and silence to cope with the unbearable, and do not talk about what is happening. Most children appreciate the opportunity to have the violence acknowledged and to voice their views. Many children express their feelings for the first time once they are no longer in the violent environment and feel safe to do so.

Talk to your children. Be as honest as you can about the situation without frightening them. Reassure them that the violence is not their fault and that they are not responsible for adult behaviour. Explain to them that violence is wrong and that it does not solve problems. Remember, your children will naturally trust you – try not to break that trust by lying to them.

Make sure you know your children’s wishes and feelings. You might do this by talking together, or doing an activity together; making drawings or encouraging them to write down how they feel. If you have more than one child make sure each of them has a say in how they feel. Talk to your child’s teacher, they may be able to help.

There will be times, however, when you will want to protect your children by avoiding certain issues, such as the reality behind an imminent move to a refuge or another place of safety. You can make this move less threatening by saying that you are all going away for a little while to a special place for mothers and children.

Many refuge services have children’s support workers who will make your children feel safe and at home in the refuge, and almost all refuges will have other children staying there when you arrive. There will usually be a playroom for children, and the children’s worker will arrange activities for young refuge residents both in and away from the refuge. These children’s activities will benefit you as well as your children. You will have time to consider your own options and discuss your plans with other adults.

Living in a refuge can be a very positive experience for children. The children staying in a refuge have the opportunity to meet other children in a similar situation to theirs. They can talk about their experiences to each other and begin to understand that they are not alone. With the help and support of refuge staff, children can be helped to come to an understanding of their situation.

Men who are abusive to women are not necessarily abusive to children too. But it can happen. If you suspect that this is happening or that it has happened, it is important that you raise this issue with your children and take steps to protect them, for example, by seeking advice from the social services or other agencies who are there to assist and protect children. If your child, or a child you know, tells you that they have been abused or have witnessed violence and abuse in their home, here are some guidelines to help you acknowledge the problem with them:

• Listen carefully to the child and let them tell the story in their own time.
• Reassure the child that they are not to blame for what is happening at home.
• Show the child that you are concerned for them.
• Try to stay calm and not let the child see how shocked you are.

Domestic Violence - The risks to children

The reason I stayed I am afraid I cannot give you, only that throughout this time I really did love him and thought, maybe, just maybe he would one day change. After all he was the father of my children.

One day I realised, however that I was never going to please him. That nothing was ever going to be enough. That nothing I ever said or did was right. I then began to accept that I wanted out. At long last, I had finally made up my mind, but at the same time I knew that this was something that he would not want to hear. His statements and threats of the past, such as: "If I can't have you then no-one will" made me aware of this.

Literally, at the moment I told him, he lost control. He became physically and mentally abusive, dragging me out of the house with all his strength and finally throwing me into the back garden. "I'm going to kill you," he said, as he tightened his hands around my throat.

By now as you can imagine I was in complete terror. He was beyond reason. Nothing I said would make him stop. By the time he dragged me into the side alley of the house I was vomiting with fear. I managed to kick and scream at a neighbour's door; the neighbour came out, unperturbed by the whole incident, although by now I was hanging onto the edge of a wall screaming, trying with all my might to prevent him from dragging me into his car. The neighbour was trying to talk to him and at this moment I screamed: "phone the Police, he's going to kill me". "I don't want to get involved", she replied quite calmly.

I knew then that it was down to me to save myself. I found some inner strength and kicked and punched until I was free, barged past the neighbour, ran into her house and dialled 999. The Police arrived took a statement from me and he was escorted away.

I was a gibbering wreck and that night my sons and I stayed with my sister. The next day, after having time to see things more clearly, I decided I had to move forward - there was no going back. If not for my sake, for the sake of the boys. And with the help of friends and family I found the courage to leave everything behind me and move into a refuge where I began to rebuild my life.

Three years on I am happy and content. I am making something of my life. My children are also happy, growing into fine young lads and I am so grateful to everybody at the refuge for all their help and support.

Lorraine

It all starts as a normal routine life. I enjoyed a loving childhood as any child would, until I was 16 years old. At 16 I left home to start a life with my boyfriend. Everything seemed okay. It was hard. Money was tight, but even so we still managed to be able to go to the pub most nights with our friends.

My boyfriend who was 5 years older than me was a heavy drinker. Arguments started on the odd occasion, but nothing too heavy to begin with. Then one night, after too many drinks, he hit me. I was stunned, my head was saying so many things. Then because he said he was 'sorry' I thought: well maybe he is. Is this normal and should I forgive him? Like a fool I did forgive him. That was the biggest mistake of my life!

Life carried on and what I thought was normal - being hit and having to be abused verbally - became a part of every day life. I carried on like this for three years. On the outside I appeared happy go lucky with not a care in the world, but on the inside I was crying out for help. I was so scared.

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