Myth: My partner is only violent to me – he never harms my children.
Fact: 1 in 3 abused children show a history of violence to their mother. Over a third of Childline callers said their mother’s partner had also abused them or their brothers and sisters. Witnessing or hearing violence has been shown to have a range of long term effects on children including guilt, shame, under achievement at school, terror, sadness, aggressive behaviour, low self esteem, bed wetting, eating disorders, depression and insecurity. A third of children present try and intervene to protect mothers thus putting themselves at risk of physical harm.
Myth: My children do not know about the violence.
Fact: Even very young children remember their fear of witnessing violence in later years. Babies may show poor health, be irritable, cry a lot and have sleep problems which get better once removed from the violent situation. Many children recall overhearing abuse and have said that not knowing if their mother was alive was more distressing than directly witnessing the violence. They sometimes felt guilty for not intervening to stop the violence.
Myth: If social services find out about the violence in my home, they will take my children away.
Fact: Whilst it is true that social services will want to make sure your children are safe, only a very small number of children are made subject of care orders and removed. Social workers will not take your children away, if they can work with you to make sure they are safe.
Myth: It is wrong to take children away from their father.
Fact: Fathers play an important role in children’s lives, but children also need to be safe. Research studies found that in 40-60% of cases where women were abused, children were also abused by the same man. 76% of children ordered by the courts to have contact with a violent parent continue to be abused.
Myth: If I leave, my children and I will be homeless.
Fact: There are hundreds of refuge services throughout Britain, which can provide temporary accommodation for you and your children. They can also assist you in finding alternative permanent or emergency housing or help you to remain on or reclaim your own home.
Domestic violence can start at any point in a relationship. Pregnancy or childbirth is often the trigger for the first abuse, also putting the child at risk. Babies show their distress through their health and development. Babies under one who live with domestic violence have been shown to be characterised with poor health, poor sleeping habits and excessive crying. Violence can begin or increase when meeting the needs of small children. They can be injured by being caught up in the violence.
Actual or threatened violence to your children can be another way of controlling you. Some men, by abusing their power over the children, deliberately involve them in the abuse of their mother, causing confusion and distress to the children involved.
Psychological damage and distress. The emotional abuse caused by witnessing violence can be serious enough for a child to be considered abused and placed on a child protection register or protected legally.
Children themselves tend to talk in terms of their fears, anger, sadness and loss. “I was sad. I had to leave all them wonderful teachers and then go to another country (Cumbria) …well, not another country, but a place that’s far away and I thought that’s hard for me.” (8 year old girl).
Children may feel powerless or guilty at being unable to prevent the abuse, boys in particular. Anger at witnessing abuse or being abused can make children aggressive. Some boys may copy their father’s behaviour by becoming violent or fear that they will become like him. Girls are more likely to internalise feelings and harm themselves. Feeling responsible for abuse to the mother is common, especially if it follows some behaviour of the child. This can lead to overly quiet and ‘good’ behaviour so as not to annoy the abusers.
Children can suffer symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder, which is a response to a traumatic event involving fear, helplessness or horror, and may have long lasting consequences. This can involve flashbacks or the child may be in a continuous state of anxiety, waiting for the possibility of further abuse to themselves or their mother. It leads to significant distress and impairment in all aspects of their life; school, play, health and the ability to form relationships.
There can be an impact on school attendance and achievement due to worry, lack of sleep and lack of concentration. Children may feel a need to stay at home in an attempt to prevent the violence/protect their mother.
Violence interferes with children’s social relationships. They feel unable to invite friends to their home for fear or shame of what friends may witness.
Mothers and children often use denial and silence to cope with the unbearable, and do not talk about what is happening. Most children appreciate the opportunity to have the violence acknowledged and to voice their views. Many children express their feelings for the first time once they are no longer in the violent environment and feel safe to do so.
Talk to your children. Be as honest as you can about the situation without frightening them. Reassure them that the violence is not their fault and that they are not responsible for adult behaviour. Explain to them that violence is wrong and that it does not solve problems. Remember, your children will naturally trust you – try not to break that trust by lying to them.
Make sure you know your children’s wishes and feelings. You might do this by talking together, or doing an activity together; making drawings or encouraging them to write down how they feel. If you have more than one child make sure each of them has a say in how they feel. Talk to your child’s teacher, they may be able to help.
There will be times, however, when you will want to protect your children by avoiding certain issues, such as the reality behind an imminent move to a refuge or another place of safety. You can make this move less threatening by saying that you are all going away for a little while to a special place for mothers and children.
Many refuge services have children’s support workers who will make your children feel safe and at home in the refuge, and almost all refuges will have other children staying there when you arrive. There will usually be a playroom for children, and the children’s worker will arrange activities for young refuge residents both in and away from the refuge. These children’s activities will benefit you as well as your children. You will have time to consider your own options and discuss your plans with other adults.
Living in a refuge can be a very positive experience for children. The children staying in a refuge have the opportunity to meet other children in a similar situation to theirs. They can talk about their experiences to each other and begin to understand that they are not alone. With the help and support of refuge staff, children can be helped to come to an understanding of their situation.
Men who are abusive to women are not necessarily abusive to children too. But it can happen. If you suspect that this is happening or that it has happened, it is important that you raise this issue with your children and take steps to protect them, for example, by seeking advice from the social services or other agencies who are there to assist and protect children. If your child, or a child you know, tells you that they have been abused or have witnessed violence and abuse in their home, here are some guidelines to help you acknowledge the problem with them:
Domestic Violence - The risks to children
This document was downloaded from: http://www.basildonwa.org